The Unstrung Harp
by Shy scorpion
Summary: A strange American transfer student descends upon Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry! She has the world on a string...or does she? Oh, what will happen to poor, poor MarySue? An OC Parody rated T for language and innuendo.
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Notes: A revision. All standard disclaimers apply, I own nothing and make no money. Enjoy the horror that is Mary-Sue! Cry, fangirl, cry._

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On the first of September, a damp, rainy day – a prelude to winter's chill, students of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry gathered on platform 9 3/4. The platform was crowded with students and their families; chaotic with trunks, trolleys, cats, and owls. One could hardly move. Every few moments another student or two would tumble, bag and baggage, through the barrier, adding to the throng. Occasionally a cloud of steam would burst from the train, obscuring the crowd.

Ravenna Wyatt stood off to the side, one of the few parentless students. She was waiting for her friend and fellow Ravenclaw; Marlene Atwood, to appear. Her trunk was bulky and she needed help getting it aboard. It was a sort of start-of-term ritual for the two girls, helping each other with their luggage. They had been good friends since they were little girls, and that friendship hadn't lessened in the five years they'd been at school together.

"Where are you?" Ravenna asked of her broom, which -- not being Marlene -- remained stubbornly silent. Her cat, Skeeter, placidly licked his privates. Ravenna sighed and slouched over the handle bar, feeling slightly annoyed.

Suddenly, an eerie quiet descended upon platform 9 3/4. A chill wind blew across the platform, parting the clouds of obscuring steam. Ravenna looked up just in time to see some one come through the barrier followed quickly by another. The first was the familiar figure of Marlene. The other was somebody Ravenna had never seen before. It was difficult to tell from across the platform, but she appeared to be very tall and thin, with a bust that didn't quite match her other proportions. In fact, Ravenna thought she looked rather like a pole with a couple balloons tethered on. What was Marlene doing? Ravenna waved, "Marlene! Hey, over here!"

The other girl noticed her friend waving. She tried to turn away, but the tall girl saw and grabbed Marlene by the arm. She began shoving her way through the crowd towards Ravenna. She had a sudden sinking sensation in the pit of her stomach, like she had just made a terrible mistake. The pair quickly reached the end of the platform and the strange girl was revealed to not be so tall really, but was wearing a pair of red platform-soled boots. She also had very long hair that might have been pretty if it wasn't such an unnatural yellowish blonde. She also had it streaked with every possible neon color; pink and blue and green and purple.

Ravenna was overtaken with a deep feeling of foreboding, but tried to make a good first impression. "Hello, Marlene. I hope you fun at the World Cup." She turned to the strange girl. "My name is Ravenna Wyatt." She extended her hand, and paused to allow the new girl to introduce herself.

The fraudulent blonde sneered in reply, and began looking around over the heads of the crowd. Her face would have been attractive if not for the thick layer of foundation two shades to light for the skin under it.

Marlene looked frazzled, "Ravenna I'm so glad to see you, she—"

"Lyk werez harry potter?!1" The stranger said.

Ravenna looked taken aback. "Excuse me?" She said as politely as she could manage.

Marlene looked like she was going to cry. "Ravenna, I don't know what to do she's—"

"is this were we lyke gett teh trane, or som $&!t?" She stranger spoke again with her extremely exaggerated American accent.

"What?" Ravenna asked.

"wen do wee get no the trane? I rilly wanna see harry pottter cuz hez sooooooooooooooo famus ad hotttttt!!!11!!111!" The stranger exclaimed.

Ravenna looked nonplused, "What language does it speak?" Marlene looked horrified. Ravenna turned her friend. "Who is this person?"

Marlene looked helpless, "she's my cousin. Her mum just got a divorce from this American man and they don't have any money. So my mum and dad said they could come stay with us. And they wrote a letter to Dumbledore and he said she could go to Hogwarts, and, and –"

"OMG!!11!!1! Their he iz!!!1!!!!!!1" The American screeched. She pointed down the platform, and bounced up and down in excitement. "OMG!1!! OMG!!!!!2 OMG!!!11!" Her bosoms -- barely contained in a white patent bustier -- wobbled alarmingly. The famous Gryffindor boy was indeed down near the other end of the platform. He was, as usual, accompanied by his friends: Hermione Granger and Ron Weasely.

"Calm down!" Marlene hissed at her cousin, then turned imploringly at her friend. "She's obsessed with Harry Potter."

"I see. Why does she keep saying O.M.G.? Is that an acronym for something?" Ravenna asked, and wondered if the girl's mother knew she was out of the house dressed in torn, baby-blue fishnet stockings and a bright green spandex skirt that was much to short, and hugged her thin hips so closely that her bones showed clearly through the fabric.

Marlene looked utterly embarrassed.

Ravenna sighed and felt the first twinges of a headache. "Does she at least have a name?"

"Maria Suellen Mairi Susannah Mariel Suzette Black." Marlene's cousin interupted in a single long breath then continued staring at Harry Potter.

Marlene made a strangled noise.

Ravenna blinked uncomprehendingly for a moment, shook her head and decided to think about it latter. "How lovely, now, if you'll hop to, we need to get our things aboard." She looked, and realized that the other girls had no luggage with them. "Where are your bags?"

Marlene looked like she was going to cry. "I told her, that the trolleys aren't magic – and you have to pull them." She looked imploringly at Ravenna, "our bags are still up on the other platform, and she insisted that she would make them follow us. She waved her wand at them, and when they didn't move she said it took a minute for the spell the work, then she pushed me through the barrier, and, and…."

Ravenna shushed her friend in the most soothing manner she could manage. "Calm down. You and her take my bags in and find a compartment. I'll go and fetch the trolleys. Alright?"

Marlene hugged her friend, gratefully. "Thank you so much. I don't think I could deal with this on my own."

"No trouble, just get her aboard and help me get the stuff on when I get it back here."

"Right!" Marlene affirmed, and went to corral her bazaar relation.

Ravenna set off across the platform, weaving quickly through the steam and the rapidly thinning crowd. "Let's just hope she isn't in our House." Ravenna muttered to herself as she reached the barrier to the next platform. She went through to platform 9 and found the two abandoned carts, thankfully unmolested. Marlene's familiar trunk was nearly buried under a complete set of glittery neon-pink and blue, tiger-striped luggage. The second cart held Marlene's little grey cat in her cage. Beside that was a large, unfamiliar tortoise-shell cat in a carrier. Next to all that was an enormous chartreuse harp-case, the rolling kind that people use for big concert harps. A racing broom was propped against it, and the tatty canvas duffle that Marlene used for her Quidditch things had fallen to the side. How on earth was she going to get all this back? Ravenna sighed, "right, then. Let's get this mess on the train." She grabbed the more heavily loaded cart and began dragging it toward the train.


	2. Chapter 2

_Author's Notes: Chapter two, standard disclaimers apply. Please, read, review and enjoy._

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The train was finally moving, much to Ravenna's relief. The train had been on the verge of leaving when she and Marlene had managed to wrestle the last of the luggage on board. Maria-What's-Her-Name was no help at all. Her startling thinness apparently came at the cost of any sort of muscle tone, and Ravenna and Marlene had to move everything themselves. They'd also had to go to the very back of the train, because there was so much luggage that it took up all the extra room in a compartment. The gigantic chartreuse harp-case made it impossible to look out the window.

Ravenna sat as close to the window as possible. Getting all the bags aboard had been messy business, leaving her sweaty and disheveled. She had taken her thick, coarse black hair out of its plait and she was combing it out. Skeeter the cat lay in her lap, purring quietly. Marlene sat next to her, distractedly stroking her cat's short fur and staring off into space. What's-her-name was on her knees on the seat, with her face pressed to the glass, presumably watching for Harry Potter in the corridor.

Just as Ravenna finished re-braiding her hair, the girl plopped back in her seat with a long-suffering sigh. Marlene snapped out of her reverie, and looked at her cousin warily. "Mary –"

"my nam is not mary!!1!!!1" The girl shrieked at an unspeakable volume. "my name si Maria Suellen Mairi Susannah Mariel Suzette Black!!11!!!!!1" She banged her fists on the seat.

Marlene looked angrier than Ravenna had ever seen her. "Your name," she said, very slowly and deliberately. "Is Mary-Sue Brown. You don't have any special powers. You are not even a very good witch –"

"Yes I am!" She screamed. Her exaggerated accent had inexplicably disappeared. "I have a really powerful magical weapon and a prophecy says –"

"Weapon?!" Marlene laughed, a little hysterically. "It's a great bloody harp! It's a musical instrument! It doesn't even have any strings!"

Much to Ravenna's relief, the plump witch who ran the lunch trolley chose that moment to knock. Ravenna jumped up and threw the sliding door open. The trolley witch looked a bit scared, "anything from the trolley?" She asked in a timid sort of voice.

"Um…" Ravenna groped in her jeans pocket. "Yes, I'll have two Cauldron Cakes, and a bottle of pumpkin juice please." Ravenna looked back at Marlene while the trolley witch assembled the order. "Would either of you like anything?" She asked politely.

Marlene shook her head, looking mutinous. Mary ignored the question. Ravenna added a Pumpkin Pasty and another bottle of juice to the order, in case they were hungry later. A bite to eat might also help cool their tempers. She paid for the food and sat back down. Marlene had meantime buried herself in a book, one of the trashy romance novel her mum didn't let her read at home. Something horrible called _Passionate Trousers_.

Ravenna ate her cake and drank her juice in the tense silence, while Mary pulled at a loose thread on her tights. After a while the American girl sighed, and looked up at Ravenna.

"so lyk dos yer name mean lik ravin?" The horrible accent was back.

"Um, no." She answered carefully. "My mother was Italian. I'm named after the city her family was from."

Mary looked uncomprehending. "Yer namd aftr a citi?"

What had been only a little twinge was slowly becoming a major headache. Ravenna pressed her palm to her temple. "Yes, I'm named after a city in Italy."

The other girl looked slightly disgusted. Marlene looked up from her book, ready to make a snide remark.

Ravenna decided to change the subject to avoid another screaming match. "So what kind of weapon did you say you have?"

Mary's face lit up with excitement, Marlene groaned. Then Mary hunched over into what might have been a sinister pose if she hadn't been wearing so much sparkly blue eye shadow.

"it wuz fortold that 1 day a greet sourseres wud com and us the lost harp of doom to de feet the drk lord!1!11" She waved her hands around to illustrate her point.

"Harp of Doom?" Ravenna asked skeptically.

"yes!!111!1" the other girl shouted. She jumped up and went to the giant yellow-green box that obscured the window. She quickly undid the latches and threw open the case. In it stood a big pedal harp that had been painted over with glossy black paint. Red and orange flames were painted around the base and up the column and soundboard. 'The Lost Harp of Doom' was neatly lettered in gold across the neck. The instrument was completely unstrung.

"It's ah…very impressive. Er…why doesn't it have any strings?" Ravenna asked. Marlene made a scornful little noise.

"itz the lost har of doom!!!!111!" Mary yelled, as if that explained everything.

Marlene slammed her book down on the seat. "I can't listen to this anymore! I'm going to go see Padma." She got up, flung the door open, and was gone.

Mary closed and latched the harp case, then resumed her seat by the door. "watz her problum? hes hav f$c4 pms or somthig?" She asked, before pressing her face against the door glass, to resume Potter watching.

Ravenna rubbed her temple, and began to dig around in her satchel for a painkiller.


End file.
